Beat of the day…

How i feel? I must say i don’t hear that question very often, when i think about it, no, i don’t hear that question at all. You know when someone ask: “How are you?” that’s an usual question without special emotions, just a phrase to begin some conversation.

Deep, lost, confused, strong, deep, sensitive, strong…-these are words that describe answer to “how i feel?”

Family? What i think about my family? I don’t have some special family, but who has?? I think we all just acting some families, coz we all want to be something that society want us to be, that’s what i hate the most, you don’t have to be that, i’m always what i am, and i’m so proud, actually i enjoy breaking „the rules of society“.

God? What i think about God? I have my own God, i have my believes, i don’t go to church very often, i don’t need that, church is just a building that man build and then sprinkle some holy water around and read few lines from the bible and that’s the church. Not for me, i have a true church inside my heart, i go there, i pray there, i share my thoughts with God there…

Did you watch „The Departed“ film? When Frank Costello says: „When you decide to be something, you can be it. That’s what they don’t tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I’m saying to you is this: when you’re facing a loaded gun, what’s the difference?“ i like how he says that church wants you to „keep commands“, you know that: „kneel, stand, kneel, stand…“ i think society did all that nonsense, i think God wouldn’t want that…

„I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.“

The other night…i was laying down on my bed, watching films with my boyfriend, the tv and the dvd are next to my side of the bed, so he was trying to reach dvd and he lay across my side, his chest was under my feet and i felt something, i felt his heart in my toe, his heart beat right there in my toe, just for a few seconds but that was spectacular feeling….

@night

INTRO

I love to travel, I love trains, I like unknown people…
Few days ago i was sitting on a train, watching my shoes, thought about some places where i was in these shoes, “does shoes remember all those grounds where they were?”, i had a headache so i fall asleep.
Then something wakes me up, it was an old curtain hanging from that window, touching my face!
There was a young man sitting across me, talking to a woman sitting next to me, i was listening to their conversation and looking through the window, i saw that man looking at me every few seconds, like he wants to involve me in their stupid conversation so i just run away in that wood that was passing by my window so fast…
I thought: “Fuck people, who the fuck cares what you did yesterday, and WHO THE FUCK cares about the weather? People are so funny, sometimes i find myself looking at them with a stupid smile on my face…that’s why i LOVE unknown people, they have no idea what kind of opinion i have for our specie!” *that man across me was looking at my smiling face*

So i just returned to my seat and forget about all that. I was looking at those small houses outside and thinking: “People really live here? Why? Don’t they like bigger places? They don’t like city buildings, lights, noise? What, they listening this silence all day? Train is the only sound that reminds them they’re far away from…from…from everything? What do i mean by everything?” Suddenly i start to thinking about my hometown: “Where is the boy who was sitting next to me in school?”

Then i opened the book i was holding, i always bring some books when i travel, in most of these travelings i don’t read a single letter but i love to have a book by my side in case i really want to read or i really need to escape from boring people, and that man was still looking at me, being closer and closer to begin a conversation, so i opened my book quickly and that’s it, that pose was shouting: “FUCK OFF, I WANT TO READ!!”, i loved it so i put that stupid smile on my face again…

The book was about some lost soldier, in future, he wakes up in unknown world with unknown people, and he doesn’t remember who he is or what he’s doing there. I thought: “This is so great, I would like to be a soldier who doesn’t remember who he is…”

The train stopped, i looked through the window: “This is my stop!!”, hoping i didn’t say that on loud, took my bag and left the train…Damn, no one is waiting for me, no hugs, no hellos.
While i was walking away i felt like someone is watching me, like i left a piece of me there on the stairs and i’m watching myself walking away…that was strange feeling…i didn’t turn…just putted that stupid smile on my face…

where?