I dream…often…

Angels…

I believe in angels!!
I remember i saw this story year ago and from that day i can’t forget it, i remember her name, almost every day from that day! I know there are hunderds of stories like this one, i believe they are all angels…
I can’t even express how i feel when i see her face, i can’t describe my feelings, i know she’s somewhere where she smiles now, sitting on a cloud, i truly believe in that…
Children are the best what this world has, the best, children bring true, pure smile, pure cry, pure dreams, love your children, take care of them like they’re little Gods, coz they are, no one can love you like the child loves, no one can be honest like the child is, no one can smile like the child can, no one can…

People see this and maybe feel sad about it, then they forget it very soon, but if i can make them remember just for a few minutes then this is for that purpose:

I remember angels….

Something to die for…

I had a rough Monday yesterday so i think i’m all “post-traumatic” today. First of all, it was a crazy day at work, but that’s not a problem, i love my job, i love my boss, i love people with who i work – isn’t that so great? My boss is one of the greatest people i have ever met, i swear, and yesterday after having a busy but joyful day he said something that he shouldn’t say, it wasn’t something so bad, it was just a very small verbal mistake, i bet no one even notice, but i felt awful, and it wouldn’t be so awful if i don’t respect him so much, he’s like the very bright spot in my “career”, he makes me wanna work harder if it can’t be much harder and he makes me believe in things when there is no reason to believe…anyway, on my way from work all i was thinking was: “God, please don’t make that bright spot go gray!”
After work i was going to visit my sister and her family, and BAM, i found out some shocking things i’m not sure i wanted to know!! We were alone for an hour so we talked about some things and those things have lead to another and BAM BAM BAM, suddenly all the stuff i believe are right in my family go wrong, like someone crashed a huge house of cards i have build for ages, centuries…i mean i never had family on which you can count but there WAS some things i loved and i believed in, on my way home from her i felt like….”wtf is going on today, everything goes down, crashing…”

Well…that was not all for yesterday…i came home and i was talking to a friend…let’s say a special friend, or i don’t know how to call it…and suddenly we were fighting without any special reason, he was in some weird mood, going mad at things i don’t even understand or i would say things that doesn’t exist…ends up like some huge fight…and i didn’t do anything, actually i was very nice and kind….i don’t know why i always end up like a pile of shit when i give my kindness to someone…the thing is, after all that, after that totally crazy day i was thinking about something i have lost few months ago….do you believe in finding something very “it can’t be”, something about you’re 100000000000% sure you would die for? i found that, can you believe that i found a person for who i would die for? It’s a very serious statement, yes, people waste that statement for all kinds of wrong things and they don’t really mean that…
If that person has some serious illness, and it would die without a new heart, kidney, or whatever, and i find out mine would save his/her life…i would die for that, I WOULD! And i must say that is A VERY STRANGE FEELING!
And i have lost it, i lost that person, i feel like someone took my soul and i will never get it back, i feel like i don’t exist, like i’m floating around without any inner purpose, but you know what? i’m not giving up, i’m just letting it be, because i believe in that: “what is meant to be will find its way“, it’s like that, it is…..

I know i sound silly sometimes, i do, if i saw this written by someone else i would probably think: “yeah, right”, so i don’t know what to say, but things are happening in strange places, in strange time, it’s simple, maybe we are all too busy with “looking for that something” and so busy that we don’t see things happening in front of us, it’s not complicated at all, and love….true love is all we want and need, maybe some people think that they don’t believe in love and don’t really look for love, but it’s simple…all we do we do for love…

*missing*

Shooting Down.

I feel like i want to say something, i feel like i want to say tones of “something”…but i don’t know to who or even why?!
I know we all think and we all listen about how life is strange but…it’s not strange, it’s too simple to be strange and i don’t like simple things, and you can say: “no, life is complicated” but actually it’s not, we make it complicated, we create everything we have or we need to deal with.
I heard something beautiful few years ago, quote that says something so true, something like that life is like those little memorial books we had in school, people write in it and the more their writing is gawky, more you remember them…

It was nice to be a child…

Do you afraid to die? I know, that’s a boring question, but few months ago i realize i don’t care if i die, and i don’t sound depressed, sad or whatever…i really think that, it’s not a sad thought or happy thought, it’s normal!

Do you think people are selfish? I think they are, i’m not suppose to be here, i’m giving myself to someone i think it’s worth of giving, i don’t think i met someone who would do the same for me, on every way…yeah i got people who “love me” but i’m not sure they know what that means or is their way of giving love right.
In one moment they would give you “love” like it’s the last day of planet Earth but in the other moment, tomorrow, they forget all that, or they “don’t feel” like that anymore, or not in that force of “love”. I’m not talking here only about men-women love, i’m talking about all types of love…
Never mind, i don’t think that conversation about love makes some sense today…

I just want to sleep sometimes…

Beat of the day…

How i feel? I must say i don’t hear that question very often, when i think about it, no, i don’t hear that question at all. You know when someone ask: “How are you?” that’s an usual question without special emotions, just a phrase to begin some conversation.

Deep, lost, confused, strong, deep, sensitive, strong…-these are words that describe answer to “how i feel?”

Family? What i think about my family? I don’t have some special family, but who has?? I think we all just acting some families, coz we all want to be something that society want us to be, that’s what i hate the most, you don’t have to be that, i’m always what i am, and i’m so proud, actually i enjoy breaking „the rules of society“.

God? What i think about God? I have my own God, i have my believes, i don’t go to church very often, i don’t need that, church is just a building that man build and then sprinkle some holy water around and read few lines from the bible and that’s the church. Not for me, i have a true church inside my heart, i go there, i pray there, i share my thoughts with God there…

Did you watch „The Departed“ film? When Frank Costello says: „When you decide to be something, you can be it. That’s what they don’t tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I’m saying to you is this: when you’re facing a loaded gun, what’s the difference?“ i like how he says that church wants you to „keep commands“, you know that: „kneel, stand, kneel, stand…“ i think society did all that nonsense, i think God wouldn’t want that…

„I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.“

The other night…i was laying down on my bed, watching films with my boyfriend, the tv and the dvd are next to my side of the bed, so he was trying to reach dvd and he lay across my side, his chest was under my feet and i felt something, i felt his heart in my toe, his heart beat right there in my toe, just for a few seconds but that was spectacular feeling….

@night

INTRO

I love to travel, I love trains, I like unknown people…
Few days ago i was sitting on a train, watching my shoes, thought about some places where i was in these shoes, “does shoes remember all those grounds where they were?”, i had a headache so i fall asleep.
Then something wakes me up, it was an old curtain hanging from that window, touching my face!
There was a young man sitting across me, talking to a woman sitting next to me, i was listening to their conversation and looking through the window, i saw that man looking at me every few seconds, like he wants to involve me in their stupid conversation so i just run away in that wood that was passing by my window so fast…
I thought: “Fuck people, who the fuck cares what you did yesterday, and WHO THE FUCK cares about the weather? People are so funny, sometimes i find myself looking at them with a stupid smile on my face…that’s why i LOVE unknown people, they have no idea what kind of opinion i have for our specie!” *that man across me was looking at my smiling face*

So i just returned to my seat and forget about all that. I was looking at those small houses outside and thinking: “People really live here? Why? Don’t they like bigger places? They don’t like city buildings, lights, noise? What, they listening this silence all day? Train is the only sound that reminds them they’re far away from…from…from everything? What do i mean by everything?” Suddenly i start to thinking about my hometown: “Where is the boy who was sitting next to me in school?”

Then i opened the book i was holding, i always bring some books when i travel, in most of these travelings i don’t read a single letter but i love to have a book by my side in case i really want to read or i really need to escape from boring people, and that man was still looking at me, being closer and closer to begin a conversation, so i opened my book quickly and that’s it, that pose was shouting: “FUCK OFF, I WANT TO READ!!”, i loved it so i put that stupid smile on my face again…

The book was about some lost soldier, in future, he wakes up in unknown world with unknown people, and he doesn’t remember who he is or what he’s doing there. I thought: “This is so great, I would like to be a soldier who doesn’t remember who he is…”

The train stopped, i looked through the window: “This is my stop!!”, hoping i didn’t say that on loud, took my bag and left the train…Damn, no one is waiting for me, no hugs, no hellos.
While i was walking away i felt like someone is watching me, like i left a piece of me there on the stairs and i’m watching myself walking away…that was strange feeling…i didn’t turn…just putted that stupid smile on my face…

where?